Friday, September 23, 2011

My Pickle

This morning, it hit me.

I'm the girl with daddy issues.

I'm sure I thought it before, but every now and then it just hits me again.

I spent years not realizing it, and quite a few pretending "it's not so bad." But there it was, right before me this morning. I'm the girl with daddy issues, and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I'm stuck, and it's really pissing me off.

I almost broke down this morning, but I held it together. Too much stuff going on in my own life to be bothered with all that family drama, but at the same time, stress tends increase thinking about it. Don't know why, but it does. Whenever I'm stressed, more stress comes to my mind. Whenever I'm happy, I tend to not think about unhappy things.

I'd say I'm typically an easy going kinda gal.

Well, like I said, this morning I almost lost it. When my sister came home this past weekend, we somehow wound up talking about our father. I sort of angrily, accidentally spilled the beans about his feelings. "If we don't care, he doesn't care" was basically the message I got from him.

If we don't want to have anything to do with him, fuck us.

Thanks Dad, love you too.

Well, I know that is just anger talking, and I've tried to work it out. I actually called him several weeks ago in an attempt to make communication. I was going for a job interview, and I decided to spend the day in the local Borders, hoping to brush up my study skills. Still, I felt obligated to call and talk to him and let him know WHY I wasn't seeing him that particular weekend after we'd had a fairly decent weekend together.

He never answered. Nor did he call back. Nor has he called me. So....

On one hand I feel like I should call and make more of an effort. On the other hand, I feel like calling just to tell him to go fuck off. I mean, seriously, if he doesn't give a shit enough to call me, why should I care?

I thought about calling him this morning, but with my birthday less than 9 days away, I refuse. Why call him so he can think I'm just fishing for presents.

The last thing I said to him was "My birthday is coming."

It sounds really selfish, but I assure you the conversation was nothing of the sort. He kept bugging me to take the iPad he'd gotten me for Christmas. "I got it for you." "I got it before the fight" "You should take it."

You would think any person in their right minds would take it, but I just cannot. It's a symbol of how sucky our relationship is. It's fake, and materialistic. The only time we ever see each other is on holidays--gift-giving and gift receiving holidays. How can anyone consider that a healthy relationship?

"Hi, Dad, thanks bye! See you at Christmas."

Is he fucking blind? He really thought we had a great relationship. How could anyone consider that a great relationship? I even said it to him, and I will never forget the look on his face as he registered it in his brain. "Things have not been good between us for a while."

I just want to call and scream at him, but I can't. Instead I just sit here and want to implode. I've had a headache all night just thinking about it. And work. I've got so much stress at work, and then I think, "He doesn't even know I Have a new job. He doesn't even care."

So why should I care? I should hate him. But I know what will happen. I will hate him, and then he'll die, and I'll be stuck hating myself for hating him. I'll be stuck regretting that I didn't try, and I'll be stuck feeling like shit.

So I can't fix this, and I can't ignore it. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Now the sister is pissed, and hurt. She didn't know the whole "Fuck off" I had gotten beforehand, and now that she's put two and two together, I don't know what she's thinking. I feel opted to send her the same message I sent her years ago, the "oh it's not so bad," but really it is. I mean, how should I fix things with them, if I cannot even fix things between us? And why should I? Why the fuck do I have to be the person to fix everything?

Then the logic sets in.

Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Alcoholic.

They don't care about anyone. Not even themselves. They just want their drug. Just like junkies.

He doesn't have a single caring bone in his body. He is so filled with denial that he just doesn't get it.

But why do I have to suffer?

I hope he doesn't call me on my birthday and pretend everything is fine and dandy.

I will lose it.

I feel so tempted to just bitch him out on facebook. Let the world see him for the cowardly loser he is. Then I think, don't be such a freak. That's what drama queen teenage girls do with their stupid mental break-downs over idiots. It won't do any good, and it will just make you look crazy.

But, Grr. Just grr.

I wish I knew what to do. Why won't this just disappear from my mind? I have so many better things to waste my energy on.

1 comment:

  1. We love you sweetheart. Call if you feel like talking. We're going to the Peanut's ballet lesson around 8 or so, we'll be home by 11 or so.

    I didn't talk to my dad from the time I was 21 til my wife was pregnant with the Peanut. Sometimes you have to give yourself the space.