Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I feel really blessed

A few weeks ago, I ordered a pair of snowflake earrings from an Avon representative. On the day I ordered, I also had a doctor's appointment and, coincidentally, the secretary was wearing the exact pair I had ordered!

"Are those Avon?" I asked excited,

"Why, Yes!" She told me, and I explained that I had just ordered a pair.

Well, the earrings were discontinued and sold out, so I wasn't going to get them. When I told this news to the secretary, she offered me her pair.

"I will give you mine!" she said, and I thought she was joking.

"That's ok," I laughed.

"Don't you want them?" She asked,

"I don't want to take your earrings," I said,

"I want to give them to you."

"That's ok."

"What, do I have cooties? You can put them in alcohol."

I felt like a jerk. Here is this sweet lady trying to give me her earrings, and I felt like an awful jerk for refusing. "Call me tomorrow and remind me." She says, and I say I will.

But I am very fortunate to have the people I have around me around me. It's hard to find truly nice people, but I seem to find them. Even my old office. They invite me to their Christmas party every year, even though I graduated about 2 years ago. I am the only student worker alumni to go to this event; I just feel so loved.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The "Don't You Dare" Teacher Stare

I think I've finally perfected it. You know, that little thing teachers do to discourage bad behavior. I've decided to call it my "Teacher Stare." Or, more correctly, my "Don't You Dare Teacher Stare."

This week is a milestone for me, I guess. I know it sounds funny, but I'm finally getting used to being in charge. I'm finally fighting the good fight in high school--ha.

I still find the thought of me being in charge laughable. For some reason, I just don't "feel" like a big, authoritative figure where I work. I try telling myself I need to inflate my ego, and that "you're the teacher, and it's your job to keep kids in line." But what line am I keeping them in? If I'm too strict, they'll hate my guts and dream up ways to make my life miserable, yet if I'm too easy going, they'll take advantage of me. It's hard to find the balance and figure out when to say something and when not to.

For instance, there is a general rule that there are no laptops allowed at lunch. Before I would pray that someone else would notice a kid online before I did, because I would dread approaching and correcting anyone. Most of the time, because they'd just ignore me anyway. So, the other day, I got the guts to approach this one girl and tell her to put her laptop away. She did instantly, and I felt all strong and noble inside, until I got back to my table--one of the teachers heard her say, "Well the principal said I could" in a snide and irritated manner that stole my pride and reminded me that I never knew anything.

I was just upholding the rules, and I don't regret saying what I said, but I still felt like a douche. I just don't like telling people what to do. I don't mind instructing, helping, and giving advice and suggestions, choices even. But I don't like being the "bad guy" and I guess that's just the novice in me talking.

That novice is slowly fading. I hope.

The other day, I was in a classroom where several teachers seem to be "walked upon." One student was ever so annoyingly playing with a doorknob. Now, I wish I could say "doorknob" was some new tech-toy, or even a code-name for something he was doing, but no. He was actually sitting at his desk spinning a door knob around for whatever reason.

The teacher said, "put it away" and turned to write something on the board. So, of course, he covered it with his hands and, as he got away with this murder, he smiled to his friends. Usually I'd have looked away, but I was irritated that day, so I told him to put it in his backpack. So, of course, he hid it in his sleeve.

"Put it in your back pack, or I am going to take it." I told him with my DYD Teacher Stare. He slowly put it away. Victory!

Just yesterday, when I was leaving the teacher's bathroom, I noticed a new face lurking around the door. Now, the teacher bathroom doors are locked, and I'm always concerned to make sure a locked door closes before I leave it--because they are locked for a reason, and that reason is to keep kids out.

Well, out of the corner of my eye, I see the kid run over to the door and I turn to see he's keeping it open with his foot. I turned back and said blankly, "Foot out." and he listened. "Thanks." I said and walked away, both laughing and confident.

While I'm enjoying this newfound power, I don't want it to go to my head. I see a lot of teachers abusing their "in charge" abilities, and I don't want to be one of them. I guess that's because I see the equations they create.

Bad student = stereotyped = disrespected and disregarded by teacher = problems


bad student + a chance + boundaries and clear guidelines + an understanding person = an opportunity to become a good student.

I want to be that teacher. The one that fixes problems and doesn't just ignorantly create new ones. I've seen the injustices, first hand. I remember them from when I was in school, and now that I work in a school, I see them again. I watch these kids get in trouble for the stupidest things, and I hate it.

When I was doing my student teaching, there was this one little kid I used to think was the Tazmanian devil. He'd run all over the place and drive everybody nuts. Zooming here, there, and everywhere. Never in his seat, always living life in fast-forward mode. I took a real interest in him, because I knew he was going to (more likely than not) fall through the cracks. He was going to keep getting in trouble, and start to be discouraged, and worse.

So I started watching him and began noticing what a wonderful kid he was. When someone ALL THE WAY across the room said, "I need a pencil." He would drop everything he was doing, grab a pencil, and run across the room to deliver it. It was amazing to watch his "Craziness" in that light, because he was doing good things, but getting into trouble for them. I hated that.

I'm not saying that all teachers are jerks, and anyone who says that they are are, in fact, the jerks. I can't think of a harder profession than education. You think your 9-5 office job is bad? Unless you have, or work with kids, you probably don't know what it's like waking up before 7AM. And you think meeting a deadline is rough? Try getting 20+ indifferent students to care to get a project done on time. The work teachers do today is amazing, and that is why it is such a tragedy to have students "fall through the cracks," but in reality, there is only so much ONE PERSON can do.

Teachers are amazing, and I'm not just biased, I'm informed. I see the sacrifices they make, each and every day to better the lives of others. How many people can say their jobs do that? How many people sacrifice their own talents and time for a small check and a classroom of germs and attitudes.

It seems I've gone off on another rant; I'll quit while I'm ahead!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm moving to Florida.


That's right. I'm moving to Florida. It was decided last week when I found this gorgeous 29 million dollar home in Manalapan. (Hopefully I spelled that right--too lazy to check it, though).

I'm not sure WHEN I'm moving, but it will probably be after I hit the lottery or inherit a large fortune from some distant relative I never knew I had. Perhaps a mysterious benefactor will come into my life, or I will find me a rich man to marry. Ha. Yep, I'm moving to Florida.

But, really, check out this house. There are freaking jellyfish laminated to the floor. Or holographed. Does the word I use really matter? Seriously? And check out the garden. It looks like it was ripped right out of a jungle. I bet I could have pet frogs in there! How cool would that be?

Imagine the sunrise from that master bedroom--one out of seven. Let's see: Me, Mom, and Sister. I'd still have four rooms to go. Homemakerman, Tumbleweed, are you guys interested in moving to paradise with me? LMAO.

The size of that kitchen leaves me speechless. I can't believe the fountains. And then the pool! The pool that you can see from the basement (which is slightly creepy depending on who is watching you swim, but still!) This is an amazing house.

This is my house. In my dreams. When I hit the lottery. Etc. Etc.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the best part: Look at this bar.

Notice how the counter connects to the fish tank. Is that amazing or what????

P.S. If you are reading this and are rich, and decide to STEAL my house from me, just know I will be very angry and will seek revenge to the fullest extent of my abilities... Unless, of course, you grant me visitation rights as an honorary finders fee.

I need to jot down some ideas.

Dear Future Scientists,

As an aspiring writer, I just wanted to let you know of a piece of technology I've been dreaming about since high school. See, I often get inspired by the smallest things, like driving to work in the morning, or sitting through a class. I'll be sitting somewhere completely random, and a great idea will pop into my head. I'll think about it for a while, then start playing with words in my head. Unfortunately, however, I do not have the ability to retain such genius ideas, and by the time I find a pen or make it to a piece of paper, I've forgotten my ideas.

So, think about this. Imagine if your brain had a "recording" feature installed to it. No, I promise I'm not doing drugs, this is just something I've thought about for a while. It would be truly amazing for everyone if you could just record the thoughts that go through your head, and upload them to your computer. A "black box" for your brain, if you will.

The more I think about it, the more amazing I think it would be. Especially for those of us (and I know I'm not the only one) whose brain goes through conversations with ourselves when we worry about how to say the things we mean to say: apologies, breakups, presentations, and more.

Just recently, I volunteered to teach a math lesson and it was terrible. I knew what I'd wanted to say, and I'd rehearsed the best way to transfer the knowledge that I had, but it just didn't come out. My brain black box would have been perfect.

While on the subject of futuristic technology, I would also like to see a multifunctional watch invented. Slim, and neat. Customizable, even. And programmable. Why should we carry a wallet when we could just wear a watch that stores all your personal information on it? Instead of fumbling for cash, your watch should have access to your bank account. Scan it like a bar code in a restaurant. That's it. How cool would that be?

Granted, you could never take it off, but you could never lose it either. Not while it is fastened safely to your wrist. Have you been pulled over? Have your license, and your registration information stored safely in your watch. Just put your hand outside the car window, and you're done.

Forget ID cards, just scan your watch for membership promotions and employee access. You'll never have to carry anything ever again.

I think it's brilliant. Crazy, but brilliant.

Thank you for your time, I hope my ideas will bring you many successes in your future.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The dilemma continues...

So the internal war is still waging: should I be the worst daughter ever and flat-out abandon my mother on Christmas? Or should I stay and regret missing yet another holiday with the cutest babies on earth? I just don't know. The decision is too hard.

My gut has been pulling me towards Beantown. I'm awful, I know. But like I was trying to say, in a post I never published, my conversations with Jerk have gotten me to thinking about "me" as a person, and not a daughter. I'm a young adult who needs to get a life, because I can't live the rest of mine with my mother. And my mother can't live the rest of her life with me. Granted, our finances hinder any actual separation as far as housing goes, but still. I need to put "me" first. Grow up, spread my wings, and all that jazz.

I've been trying to think of ways to get my mother to come along with me for the ride. So far, I've tried the following: offering to let her drive (which sounds worse than it actually is because she is a slight control freak when it comes to driving--she is "the professional") offering to pay train fare, offering to put her up in a hotel, offering to take her to a hypnotist--if you catch my drift. But she is determined to be "home" for the holidays. Perhaps it is for the best. I did, after all, invite myself and entire family into my cousins home for Christmas--I suppose that could be considered nervy to say the least. (Sorry, guys!) But I just keep thinking of my own childhood Christmases and how exciting they were. Anyway, it means a bunch to me that my cousins were there with me, even though, if I think about it, it probably wasn't by choice.

Regardless, video tapes reveal what a truly spoiled brat I was, and it just means so much to me to look back and remember all the neat gifts I had growing up. The doll that peed her pants and got diaper rash, and the dancing ballerina. Barbies, dress up clothes, and The singing mermaid doll--I still hear her voice echoing in my head. These were all integral parts of my youth; they molded my creativity and imagination. So, I suppose it is only fitting to sign off with this video!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I found this ad

So, I found this ad on Craig's list. It reads,

Does your big, happy family all live on one street? Do your parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles all have houses next door? Are you the real "Everybody Loves Raymond?"

Then tell us your story!

An award-winning television production company based in New York is seeking LARGE families for a new reality series on a major television network. The ideal family has several relatives living on the same street, block or neighborhood. The bigger the family, the better.

If this description fits your family to a T, send us an email! We'd love to hear about your family, where you live, and what it's like being so close to your relatives.

So, I laugh.

I think of my family, and laugh. (And then I thank that poster for not mentioning "prize money").

I think it is safe to say they could write a decade long documentary of the dysfunction of my family. Both sides. Mom and Dad. Ironically, though, my dad's entire family owns real estate within walking distance from us. Granted, it's mostly summer homes, but since my parents have been divorced for 14 years, it's pretty... weird.

So, here is my family radius in a nutshell.

Me, Mom, Sister.

Down the street: My dad, and mom's ex husband.... I'll leave it at that.

Down the street: My dad's sister, my Aunt, whom has not had the best relationship with my mother since the divorce--to say the least.

Down the street: My dad's brother, my uncle, who has a physical and mental disability from an accident years ago. No one in his family talks to them, since they all hate his wife. Two kids, one sort of antisocial, the other, very ill from bad choices he's made, and very unpopular in his neighborhood, also due to bad choices he's made.

Down the street: Relatives who I commonly refer to as "Satan and his wife." Who take advantage of the weak and helpless--the true, kick you when you're down type Samaritan. The kind of people who, every time an ambulance goes racing by, the whole neighborhood wonder if they've finally gotten what karma's got coming to them. Sounds distasteful out of context, but if you only knew.

So, yeah, I laugh to myself as I read this ad. I wonder if there is a cash prize big enough to be worth the embarrassment of exploiting my family. I'm sure they'd get over their hatred of me if I were to offer them a piece of the prize. But how could I live with myself for bringing myself into the same light of "John and Kate Plus Eight" or one of those other lame reality shows. Then I think of Spouse Swap, where you can see the hatred on camera, but they edit it out to make everyone look all "happily ever after" in the end.

I couldn't imagine that in my family.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Christmas Shopping

So, I've gotten most of my Christmas shopping out of the way. Translation: the people I care about most, I've already bought for. Just kidding. Well, maybe just kidding.

Let's try this:
Homemakerman, CHECK
Tumbleweed, CHECK
Peanut, CHECK
Pumpkinman, CHECK... Wait... Oh, yeah, definite CHECK.
Jerk...... CRAP
McPreggers CRAP
Mom, Huge CRAP!
Sister, half CHECK half CRAP

Speaking of crap, have I mentioned I'm deep in doodoo? I mean, my sister can live. I bought her a game, some language learning software, and one other mystery gift--which is a mystery only because I can't remember what it was. But what about Mom? What can I get her? And what about Jerk and McPreggers?

Since they are expecting their first born, I was going to buy them baby stuff, but apparently that's too taboo. I'm really bad at this "people-being-pregnant" thing. They say it's bad luck to give baby presents before the baby is born. Stupid superstitions are cramping my gift-giving style.

It's sad, but I really want to give them something they want; "Nothing don't worry about us," they tell me, or sarcastically reply, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth."

Well, I give up, but what about Mom? I gave Dad a digital camera this year--bringing him, in style, into the technological age of cameras. I'd say he was tickled pink. But how do I upstage that? And what do I buy Mom? I've already gotten her an iPod, Nintendo DS, and jewelry... none of which she ever uses, unless I hound her to (and that doesn't count). I really don't know.

So, now I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas. I don't know what I'm buying people for Christmas. And I don't really know when Christmas is.. better look at a calendar... At least I'm in the spirit this year.

Friday, December 11, 2009

So Glad It's Friday

Today was a rough day at work, but I won't complain about that here. I'll just say, TGIF!!!!

I've added a few new things to my resume, but it gave me pause. I've decided I'm nervous. With the circumstances of my current position, I feel confident in my abilities has increased. And decreased. Both, at the same time.

I feel I'm better in a crisis, but worse in the classroom. It's way easier when someone is there, behind you, patting your back. Today, I totally flopped a math lesson, and I say as I have said a hundred times before--I will never teach math.

They told me this would happen--that nothing is perfect, and that nothing goes according to plan. I'm good with that. Really, the anal perfectionist that I am can accept lower standards, but a complete flop is unacceptable to me. I had the lesson planned out, and I improvised as I taught. But I cannot do math.

For some reason, the second I got up in front of the class I got nervous--maybe it was all the new faces. Maybe it was that it was the hottest room in the school and I was wearing a thick sweatshirt and two pairs of paints--no wait. That's the reason for my face turning bright red and sweat pouring down my back. So what the heck went wrong?


Math is wrong. I know how to do it. I did it twice in preparation. And yet, the second I'm in front of the room, staring at a problem my brain goes blank. I forget. I look at the paper. I get nervous. I sweat. I joke and laugh, but I suck at math.

I'm trying hard not to take it too hard. I know some lessons work, and some flop. I think the fact I'm facing my fears, standing in front of teenagers, with math on (or somewhat on) my brain, trying to help people who really don't give a shit give a shit. Not to mention I have no obligation to do so! And I'm not frustrated with them, I'm frustrated with me. Why can't I articulate, and why can't I just plain think?

I'm starting to worry about the future, now. What if I can't do this? What if all I do is freeze? What if I have as much trouble planning lessons as I do thinking up math lessons? I've been trying for weeks to develop my own little curriculum. . . But all I've got is one assignment. That's it. Just one.

I'm going to stop beating myself up tonight. I'm going to enjoy my Friday night (and this last episode of Criminal Minds). I might do some writing, or . .. clean my room. Yikes. Don't want to think of that either.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


So, taking my frustration out on a vacuum cleaner is not such a great idea. Apparently, they fight back now-a-days, and I've got the hole in my chin to prove it. Seriously, ouch.

Mom and I had a huge fight the other night. I'm a talking massive, screaming and cursing our lungs out fight. (This is what happens when you have two bad communicators under the same roof.)

I'm almost shamed to admit this, but I know anyone who says they don't have a good fight every now and again is full of crap. People fight. It's just what happens when they don't see eye to eye. People are stubborn. Hot headed. Determined. The more you believe you're right, the harder you fight for what you believe in. But, regardless, here is what went down.

We had a house fire a few years ago, and we lost everything. It has been hard, but I've come to terms with it for the most part. The one thing that has bugged me the most, though, has consistently been Christmas. I've tried, and I've tried, but I've just been so depressed around Christmas. I don't have the stocking my grandmother knit me, I don't have the ornaments I made in kindergarten, I don't have anything I used to have. The manger is gone, the nutcrackers are gone, the candles and the figurines are gone. All our old ornaments, gone. Everything is gone.

It was exciting to move into a brand new house, and buy brand new things, but a brand new Christmas seems sacrilegious. I know it's just "stuff," but it's like walking into a stranger's house. It just seems wrong.

Well, the past few years I've never cared less about Christmas. I've decided that I just didn't have the spirit anymore. But, over the past 2 years, something else changed too. My cousins had their first baby, and their second. Now they've got two, beautiful little babies having their first Christmases. That, to me, is a reason to be cheery.

I thought about it last year, and I thought my mother had agreed with me: we should go to Beantown for Christmas. We've both been depressed. We've both been miserable. So, we should go down and play with babies--our favorite past time.

That was the decision last year. I'm pretty sure we agreed upon it unanimously.

With our friend's recent passing, there has been stress. Normally, she is the one to throw a Christmas Eve party, and we'd all attend. Us, our neighbors, and her family--who likes to be waited on hand and foot. My mom has constantly said "I'm not doing it. I'm not cooking, I'm not cleaning, I'm not waiting, I'm not serving, I'm not doing crap."

She says this, but then she'll go and do it anyway. Which is why I thought our pact last year would be a solution. I've been telling Joe that we've been going down to Beantown for Christmas for about a week now. I know it's not what he wants to hear, but what am I supposed to do? That was the decision.

Well, now the family we were going to visit are coming up after Christmas--which is the greatest Christmas gift EVER. I've been saying, "All I want is to see my Babies" and now I've got them. But, when I said, "I still want to go down to Mass for Christmas, though," I became, in an instant, the world's most ungrateful, horrible, traitorous person ever to live.

I can't even remember how the fight started, but it went the way our usual fights go. She started bitching about me to one of her friends, filling their heads with false information and twisting my words as she saw fit.

"I still want to go see them on Christmas, I've been depressed" somehow translates to "You are a terrible mother and I hate spending Christmas with you, bitch."

I defend myself, and she gets mad, says she'll call her friend back, and then comes at me with stupid shit that happens weeks ago. Like, I came home one night and didn't feel like watching TV one night because we do it all the time--that loosely translates to, "Your lazy and fat and all you do is sit home all day and watch TV, Mom."

We yell and scream for a good 15 minutes, at least, until I lose it and kick over the litterbox. That's great. Now I'm a raging psychopath, but it's extremely frustrating to argue with someone who doesn't listen to what you're saying. Note to self: if you are arguing with someone, don't scream "Calm down, you're acting like a psychopath." It doesn't help. So I call her crazy, and she tells me to move out. I say fine I will, and she says good screw; Same old, same old.

Then, to be the incredible bitch that I am, I tell her to get me the vacuum. Normally I'd ask nicely, but since I was such an "ungrateful bitch" I decided to live up to my character.

Now, we have a central vacuum, so it's basically this big, long hose that attaches to a small roller-thing which just plain sucks. So in a frustrated attempt to detach the stupid, malfunctioning equipment, I wound up smacking myself in the face with the metal part of the hose.


Chin's better today, and it's not as bad as I exaggerate it to be for sympathy purposes, but it still sucks. The medicine I'm on thins my blood, so it took a good hour or more to clot and stop bleeding. Even the next day, it was leaking a bit. I may have chipped a tooth or two, not sure. I was sure I needed stitches. I'm sure I'll have a scar. Great. At least it's under my chin.

My jaw hurts when I open my mouth, or chew. And as much as I try out of pure habit, I cannot rest my head upon my fist. It hurts. I hurt. My whole body. I just want to go back to bed.

Still not sure what I'm doing for Christmas.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Who am I? Part Two.

My cousin has inspired me to break this into two parts. Maybe three. Goodness knows I can ramble when I start going. It's a horrible thing, but let's make sure we covered everything so far:

PMS. Check
Burial. Check
Traffic. Check

So we get to the train station, and I'm feeling like the worst daughter ever. There I am, heading off to Beantown to go to a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/bah humbug party (heh) while my mom's running a fever, coughing her lungs out, and fighting traffic.

"Let's stop and get juice." I say.

"Nah, I'll get it later," She says.

Why didn't I think this out? I should have bought stuff on my way home from work Friday. Stupid me. Gr.

Well, I feel horribly neglecting and sad and lonely as I'm standing, waiting to board, there with my ticket. I brought a laptop, though, so that was something to look forward to. iPod too, which was good, because the wifi was TERRIBLE.

It was a nice ride, though. Fast. Over before I even knew it. I was pretty social too. Talked to at least two people. Usually I'm very shy around strangers, but I was on an adventure. It was fun.

The first lady I spoke with was an older woman who was lingering in the terminal with me. "You heading to Beantown?" I said. She smiled and said she hoped so.

"We booked our tickets last night, but we don't know where to get them." She told me, and I promptly told her where I'd gotten mine (as I'd bought mine the night previous too). "Thanks, my fiance is in there now. He should find them."

We chatted a bit, then got on the train. She sat in front of me in the handicapped section. An older older woman sat across from me, and a man and his son sat in the other handicapped spot.

At first, I was alarmed with that. Honestly, it's something some people in my family would do. He looked perfectly normal, and I wasn't sure he realized they were handicapped seats. But as the train ride progressed, I started to see how disturbed his son was. Then I felt like a jerk for doubting him. He looked at me a few times, the dad. Stared. Smiled. I felt bad. I wanted to say "hi" and start talking to him, but I didn't know what to say.

"Oh, I see your son is ..." or "What is wrong with him?" Those didn't seem too polite. I guess I should have asked where he was heading, but I felt like he was embarrassed or something. I felt even worse for staring and suspecting. Jerk me.

I talked a lot with the grandmother beside me. She was knitting, so I told her what I tell every knitter I see, "Oh I need to take classes. I can knit a straight-line scarf, but that is about it!" She said something else to me, but I didn't hear her and didn't want her to repeat herself. Oh well.

She then started drilling her granddaughter with multiplication and spelling. You could tell the little girl was irritated. She got on the floor and started staring out the window. Playing with the seat. Total avoidance. I wanted to say, "Leave her the heck alone, you bully. Can't you see you're pushing too hard?" but that would have been rude too. It irks me when I see people who are ignorant of young people's feelings, though. Instead of being rude, I just asked her if she knew the trick for the 9's. There is this finger trick that will tell you the answers to the nines tables: On your ten fingers, starting from the left, put down the finger of the number you are multiplying by nine.

IE 1x9= 9
If those were your fingers, you'd put your left pinkie down, and have 9 fingers remaining. 1x9=9


|-\\\ /////
So you put down your left ring finger. Your left pinkie automatically gains the value of a tens place, so you have 10 + your remaining 8 fingers = 18

||-\\ /////
Here you have your left pinkie and ring finger in the tens place (because they are separated by your middle finer. To the right of your middle finger, you now have 7.
10+10= 20+ 7 = 27

And it continues on. Hopefully I've enlightened you!

My cousin picked me up at the train station. I've been calling him Mr. Jerk since he refused to sleep in my tempur-pedic mattress with his horrible back, so I guess I'll just call him, affectionately, jerk from now on. I guess it's payback for calling my dog F-face during his puppyhood.

So Jerk (and now I feel like a jerk for committing that name to him) picked me up in the train station. We went to his house so I could help set up for the party. I will call his wife by her wii name, McPreggers. McPreggers was there setting up, so I helped where I could. Her sisters came shortly after I got there, and they did all the things I couldn't do. We made a great team.

Everything was set up, and it was really nice compared to the previous year. This was my second year attending, and during my first it was slightly awkward. McPregger's family had stayed in the kitchen, and my family had stayed in the waiting room. It was sort of awkward for me, because I hadn't known everybody, and am horrible with names. And faces. But after the wedding, and facebook, I now knew all sisters and most family members.

This year, everyone mingled. Everyone joked. laughed. and had fun. Well, everyone except for my niece. :( She cried and cried and hated everybody. It sort of made me feel horrible inside. I was a distant memory she wanted nothing to do with. Ouch. I mean, I know she gets that way, and it's just the way she is, but I still felt like I, the amazing aunt, should have been able to break that wicked spell of antisocial behavior. I just wasn't 'that' cool, though.

My aunt came in.. what do I call her? She's slightly loud and overbearing. . . I guess I'll call her by her trait mark cookies. Auntie Cookie. That makes sense. So Auntie cookie comes in, and my niece went to her without hesitance. She opened her present and colored with her. I felt like a deadbeat aunt... Maybe it was because her wrapping paper was the glorious red, and mine was just plain green... favorite colors are always big hits.. I don't know. I'll keep that in mind for when I wrap Elmo, I guess.

Eventually, I weaseled my way in. I got Aunt Cookie to get her to open my present--a handmade trick-or-treat bag with her name embroidered on it. I was so proud of that silly bag; found a yellow, white, and orange stripped shirt at the salvation army, cut it up, sewed it together, and braided yarn through the bottom seam. Hot-glued felt characters on and wrapped it in horribly offensive green Christmas paper.

Well, it made her day (I hope.) "Let's go trick-or-treating!" I said, "Want to go?" And she shook her head hesitantly. Then she was mine Mwahaha. We went to the living room and stocked up on red and green M&M's. Her favorite. Then we went to the hall and ate them, all the while screaming "M's!!!! Where'd you go!!!?" into the festive sack. She laughed hysterically, stopping only to glare at her brother as he crawled by.

After a while, I convinced her to go upstairs with me to get a present I'd brought for her mommy and daddy. She was excited to go upstairs, but not to deliver this gift. She'd much rather run into walls and jump up and down in closets. Seriously. She ran into a wall, SMACK, then we'd slowly slide down the wall making silly sound effects. Then we'd lay on our backs and laugh hysterically.

Occasionally, we needed to nap. So she would climb up onto the bed and lay down. "Can you sleep?" She'd ask me, so I said sure and I'd climb into bed. That was NOT OK. "No, you sleep on the floor." she instructed. I laughed. Then asked if I could take a pillow.

She said yes.

We'd run into McPreggers and Jerk's future son/daughter's room and stare into the crib. "Uncle Jerk and Auntie McPreggers are having a baby. Will you sing baby a lullaby?"

"Yes." She said sweetly. Staring. The crib was almost hypnotizing her. I wondered what she was thinking. Happy thoughts? Nervous thoughts? She'd stare for a good minute, then she'd run out of the room, across the hall, and jump in a giant closet. The only uncool part of the evening was when a little boy was dropped off to play with us. He was cute, but, for some strange reason, he didn't quite understand the concept of running into a wall and laughing hysterically. Instead he tried tickling my niece, who, again, is a pretty distant person. He reached over and tickled her, then received the stare of death. It was totally quiet... It was really awkward. You'd think he'd just beat her, or something.. It was like... dead silent. Stare.

I joined in, laughing, "Tickle tickle tickle!! ah ha ha!" like a loon. That didn't make things any better. So we ran and jumped in the closet again.

It took a while, but I eventually had a blast with her. Towards the end of the night, though, I became the BIGGEST JERK EVER. Bigger than Mr. Jerk himself. My niece wanted me to go sleep over her house.... And I had promised to help McPreggers clean up... and my own father was upset I wasn't staying at HIS house and visiting his puppies... and to make matters worse, as if I wasn't torn enough already, Aunt Cookie offered me an apartment LOL! I'm so glad everyone loves me, but it sure does make things hard sometimes.... <3

Well, I honestly wanted to go and see my babies in the morning. Little Chubby Cheeks and his big sister. But they had to leave early (curfews for 2 year olds aren't what they used to be ;) It was also snowing, so I couldn't make them come back for me, even though they would have. So then I decided to go with my dad. I was tired and torn, so I agreed, even though he wasn't sober enough to remember me telling him I changed my mind and wasn't going. Yeah...

Mr. Jerk said, "You're going home with him? Think about it. It's not a good idea." and thankfully talked me out of it. Mr. Jerk is such a good guy. A jerk at times, but a good guy, and I'm so proud he is my cousin.

"I'm going to stay here. I'll come over to see the puppies in the morning." I said at the end of the night.

"Ok." He said, "So are you ready? Where's all your stuff?" He said to me.

"I just said I'm going to stay here..." I said blatantly. He just said, "oh."

I know it bothers him that I don't see him enough, but Mr. Jerk was right.

On the way to the train station, Jerk and I had a wonderful conversation about my dad. "I love him, but I just can't take him. He frustrates me. He's so good, but he's so... Dad."

Jerk agreed with me. My Dad is the greatest guy ever, and there isn't a thing he wouldn't do for anybody... except stop drinking. That's the one thing he won't do.

Anyway, the party was great. The only thing that pissed me off was one thing he said to McPregger's grandmother. He'd been trying to get me to try some Kahlua cool whip, but I refused. He thought he was clever telling me it was just cool whip, but since I helped make it, I sort of knew better. "Come on, it's good."

And though I had actually been tempted to taste, it was the principal I refused. I refused to be tricked into getting drunk. I refused to let my guard down. I refused to take advantage of my adulthood. I said no. And I was proud of myself. The more he pushed, the harder my resistance came. What was the big freaking deal? I didn't want to try the cool whip.

"My daughter's anti-alcohol." He says to the table. "It's good, but one time she didn't want to be my designated driver and blah blah blah... "

I think my jaw hit the floor. Literally. One of my first blog posts on here was about that very same incident--the fact that I didn't approve of his abuse of alcohol and that I didn't want to cart around my drunk family. He was mad at ME for refusing to drive him around, and complaining about it.

Granted, if they really needed a ride, I would pick them up. But I wasn't going to waste my entire day, driving them from bar to bar, watching them get drunk. That just isn't my idea of a good time.

Anyway, I was so embarrassed, not that I had to be. But for him to hold on so strongly to that resentment was very upsetting. I got up and walked away, proud of myself for holding it together. I didn't want to cause a scene at the party... That would have made things worse.

I knew he was just drunk and rambling, so whatever.

So, yeah. With that said and done, I'm not sure what I did. I think the babies were gone, so I must have just gone and washed some dishes. Maybe I took some pictures.

The Yankee Swap went... Eh. It was fun, but played completely wrong. Two people went home with the gifts they brought, and it was just a game of appeasement more than anything else. I'll just stick with numbers to keep things straight. Person 1 picked a beach chair. Person 2 picked something random, and wanted to trade of the the beach chair, when someone, who I refuse to admit was my father, started to argue that "that's now how you do it."

"Yeah it is."

"No, it's not!"

"You can't trade with 1"

Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, screw it.

So they gave up, confused, and #2 got screwed out of a beach chair.

I was numbers 6, 9, and 12. Pretty sweet. My cousins had left me in charge of their Swapping, so I thought I did them proud... until I realized two of the gifts were the two gifts they had brought! Oops!

Gift 6 was the game "Clue." Gift 9 was a Kappy's gift card. Gift 12 was a mini-dirt devil..

Since the game was completely screwed up, the rule was "you can only trade with the person before you--unless you're number two because then we hate you and you don't get jack squat." So, there came an opportunity for #8 to trade with #7.

7 was a bottle of wine with 3 scratch tickets. 8 was the gift I brought--a decorative "Let it Snow" box filled with hot cocoa mix, festive teas, cookies, and truffles. #8 was McPreggers, and she kept my gift; had she stolen the scratch tickets, I (#9) would have stolen them, but she kept the cookies and tea.

The scratch tickets were worth $140... What a blow.

I was #12, and I knew that #1 was gunning for my Kappy's gift card. I was determined to get my cousins something good for their swap, so I stole #11 (Aunt Cookie's) Wine and Scene it game. She was mad, but it was the only thing I could do. I couldn't go back, and I knew I was losing a gift card. How could I go back with chair, vacuum, and board game? Naw, I had to steal.

Aunt Cookie left with the vacuum she had brought, and I brought Tumbleweed and Homemakerman the board game and chair they had entered into the game (Oops). At least they got wine, though.

All the gifts were nice. There was a giant dart board, lots of booze, and a bunch of other random things that I can't quite remember.

After everyone had left, Jerk, McPreggers, her sister, and I all sat on the couch and talked about what a great party it had been. McPreggers went to bed, and so did Jerk. The two of us watched a movie, until 2ish AM. Then I went up to bed.

I woke up and helped clean up. Jerk made us crack-breakfast, which is delicious. I think he makes the best breakfast (next to my dad, of course). I love it when he uses pepper-bacon, though. It's soo good. But anyway, we cleaned a bit, then got ready for the train. We drove down, actually joking about missing the train.

"You know you don't want to go," Jerk said. I agreed. Of course I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay down and see my dad. The puppies. My babies. I actually felt pretty guilty about not going to see his puppies. I said I would, but that night he said, "No you won't."

Actually, I would have. I wanted to go see him, but after he told me "You're going to sleep late, get up, go to the train and go home." I figured, what the heck? Now I don't have to feel bad about not seeing him--only I do feel bad, so either way I was screwed. I was too irritated to go see him, so even though I had a bit of time, I said the heck with it.

I gave him a huge Christmas present; one that actually ticked off his wife. She turned to me and said, "You didn't have to get him that, that is too much!" She said whisperingly angry. I just shrugged. What the heck was I going to say?

Maybe she bought him a digital camera too.. Ha.

More to come in part three. I'm tired of typing.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Who I am? Part One

So, I'm on a two hour train ride, reflecting upon this weekend.

I actually only have about a half hour left, so I've apparently done a lot of the reflection part already. But I'm just so happy, I can't stop smiling. I would have to say this weekend has been bittersweet. I've been happy and alive, as well as hunched over in pain and crying my eyes out. Angry too. Truly pissed. Typical train-wreck me.

Friday night, I went walking with Joe. We talked about his wife, and I tried talking him into going to Florida. Crazy things happen when emotions run high, and I love Joe like a grandfather. Don't want anything to happen to him. I don't want the stress of losing his wife to get to him, because you always hear about people who literally die when they lose their spouses. A part of them just dies.

Then I worry about his money. There is nothing he wouldn't spend on his family, that's for sure. I can't imagine the thousands he spent on his wife's funeral. Doesn't matter what it costs. Her plaque was beautiful. The spot they cleared, was beautiful. Everything was beautiful, and sweet. Just like the birthday party he threw for her last month; everything was perfect.

But word gets around that people are after his fortune. Rumor this, and fact that. I don't know what to believe, but I know that if he is paying a friend of his to run around and do things for him, then that person is not really his friend, and I will have a strong loathing of them. The things I do for Joe, I do because I care about him and not the money in his wallet. When I go over with a dinner, wash a few dishes, or just hang out and tell jokes, I'm not looking for a paycheck. I'm looking to keep a mourning old man from being miserable. I just hate that anyone would be looking at him with dollar signs in their eyes.

Anyway, I want to keep him busy, and happy. So we've been taking the dogs for walks in the park nearby our home. It's nice, but my dog is trying to steal Homemakerman's dog's title of world's dumbest animal. Just Thursday night, he ran into a bench. Granted, it was dark, he's ten, and possibly losing his eyesight, but he just ran smack into the bench. Ouch.

Not 5 minutes later, and he ran into Joe's flashlight. Yeah. A flashlight. He saw Joe, sitting on the bench, and ran right into him. The flashlight had been on and in Joe's lap, and my dog got it straight in his eye. Uh, really? Was he blinded by the light? Was he following the light? I don't know, but I know the light was bright, and I know he ran right into it.... So, yeah...

I caught a train Saturday morning, but not after almost dying 3 times.

First, I woke up to the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. Pretty sure any woman can relate, to give you a hint. If you're squeamish about that sort of stuff, skip ahead a few paragraphs. Don't know how long I'll be; just skip ahead to the asterisks.

I've had pretty bad periods for a while now. Usually it's the first 2 days I'm in keel over pain. Saturday was the worst ever. I woke up with the worst pressure ever in my pelvis. So bad, that I felt like updating my facebook status to: "One day, many years from now, I will sit down my children and tell them to be thankful that on this day, so many years ago, I didn't claw out my uterus."

Really. It was that bad. I got up and wobbled to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, cringing, waiting for my brains to explode. I broke into a cold sweat, and felt dizzy. I tried standing and literally fell backwards. Thankfully, I caught my balance before landing back on the toilet. Dragged myself into the tub. Sat there. Crying. It was terrible.

Mom heard me after 10 minutes. Came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her I wanted a hysterectomy, and that I'd just adopt her grankids. She laughed and told me period cramps were far worse than giving birth. Still not sure I believe her.

I felt bad, but even worse knowing my mom was up coughing all night with a fever. Now I had to have her take care of me? She was great; Got me gingerale. breakfast. Meds. I stumbled down the stairs and fell into her bathtub. Ran it and took a 2 hour long bath. P.S. It's gross taking a bath with Aunt Flo. Too Graphic. Sorry. It just sucks to be a woman. Effing men have it so easy.

Still not sure if it was IBS, bowel movement, cyst, trapped gas, or just mother nature at it's finest. Pretty sure "all of the above" came into play.

After my body returned to a semi-normal state, I was able to get ready for my cousin's Christmas party. That was great, except for the fact I had to go to a funeral first. Burial, really. They finally had the plot ready for Joe's wife, so we went up there to lay her to rest.

Oh yeah, P.S. #2, I'm going to hell.

I firmly believe that at a funeral, and in a time such as this, that people are supposed to be grown ups. Respectful, loving, understanding, grownups. Yet, that Saturday, I snubbed. And I knew I was probably going to hell for it, but I did it anyway. I snubbed, and I was angry. Pissed. Just plain pissed. You aren't supposed to be pissed at a funeral.

So what do you do when you see the one person, in the entire world, that you actually do hate? Despise. Loathe. Words aren't strong enough to describe my disdain. Which doesn't mean I'm consumed by a burning ball of hate, but does mean the thought of them taking a sledge hammer to my family and smashing it to pieces makes me wonder why God punishes the good and lets evil prevail.

Them. There are two of them. Husband and wife. The thought of them sickens me, but they were good friends with Joe and his wife, so what was I to do? There they were at the funeral. The get together. The burial. I felt mutinous just breathing the same air as them, like somehow being within 5 yards of them was betraying my family. I hated myself for not putting my feelings aside, because I felt I was disrespecting Joe's wife, but I just couldn't do it.

I hated them too. When "the Mrs." saw my mother crying she went over and hugged her. I nearly died. I couldn't blame my mother for not making a scene at her best friend's burial, but I couldn't believe it. I was mortified. The only thing I enjoyed about it was that my mother, quite possibly has swine flu and hopefully infected her. I'm going to hell. Poor Joe's wife has probably rolled over in her grave.

If it is any consolation, Joe's wife never believed in apologies. She said what she meant, and that was it; apologies meant nothing. So as much as she wanted us to forgive and forget our hatred, I don't think she'd appreciate lies.

"She's going to be hurting tonight." My mom said to me when we left. "Did you see what she did?" I was thinking, hey did I miss her fall or something? She's such a klutz; she probably fell. But apparently, her husband had been giving her the death-stare when she went over to hug my mother. (Towards the end of our relationship, we started to wonder how much of her bruises came from her klutziness, and how many of them, potentially, came from the husband.)

Again, I'm going to hell. But I don't quite care, and neither should anyone in the universe. Any spitfire woman who sells her soul to the devil for a million dollar mansion and life of luxury deserves neither respect nor sympathy. I am a firm believer in "life is what you make it" and if you make your life a bed of nails, abuse your family, and screw your friends--you're stuck with that life, and you have to live it. Have fun!

I was so glad when they left, and hadn't approached me. That way, I didn't have to appear "rude" or "grudge bearing." But then, on their way out, she said, "Hi." Hi. Hi to me. I wasn't sure how to respond, and in the seconds it took my brain to register that she actually dare speak to me, I took a breath and kept on walking. I wanted her to be miserable, and alone, and know that I hated her guts. I'm going to hell.

On another note, minus the stress, fury, and damnation, the burial was lovely. The flowers still looked beautiful, and the spot was perfect. You could see long lake from atop that giant hill. The plot was surrounded by giant rocks, and overlooked nothing but woods. It was perfect.

The kids were there. Her sister's grankids. Long, horrible, story there, but I won't get into it now. I'll just say they are now, currently, living happily with their aunt. But I love them. I love kids. They just make me smile. Life is so simple, and happy for kids. Everything is funny, and new, and exciting. Here goes the story, anyway. These kids lost their father a year or two ago from a supposed heart-attack. An autopsy was never preformed, but we've always slightly suspected the wife had something to do with his death. She's a money-sucking heroin junkie. 3 kids. Life insurance policy. No food, no clothes. Nothing. Nothing but an MIA mother. Sold the dog. Sold their toys. But it's ok. She'll just say people "stole" their stuff. And the school is just across the street, so they can get there themselves while she gets her fix in. Makes me sick.

Oh, the drama of my life. I love these kids so much, though. I hate that they have a crappy mom, and deceased father, and now their great aunt has passed. Their life has been tragically robbed of joy and innocence. That makes me sicks too.

During the burial, I played with the kiddos. 2/3 of them, anyway. The third had a different father who won custody after the mother abdicated all three to her sister-in-law.

The youngest disappeared into the woods; made me nervous. Him and that army-pattered jacket. Hunting season. Yeah. So I went off and found him sitting on a ledge. Not a huge cliff, or anything, but a few feet at least.

"Watcha' Doin?" I hugged him.

"Thinkin. I want to go down there."

"Well, maybe this summer. When we go fishing, we'll go hiking too." I said. What do you say to a kid who lost two very special people in his life? I don't know. He pulled a piece of straw to his lips. I grabbed one too. We sword fought with them, and I tickled him with it. We giggled, and then we made bird nests. Brought them back to the funeral.

Joe's wife. I'll call her Sharona. Heh. Sharona. The kids didn't quite understand why everyone was standing around, so I told them we were paying our respects to Sharona. They were very sweet, but then wanted to take flowers from the baskets. "One each." I said, go ahead and pick. So they each picked perfect red roses from the bunch. But the elder sister whined: "But he's got two! No Fair!"

Well, the brother's second was found on a rock beside the parking spot. It had been plucked out for looking dead and crumbled. "Ok, you can have ONE more," I said, "Then you'll each have two." So she picked another, which, naturally, made her younger brother jealous.

"I want that one!" He told me, but I reminded him he only had two, and we needed to leave them pretty for Sharona.

We left for the train shortly after, and I didn't think we'd make it alive. On the way two BRILLIANT drivers decided to cut out in front of us without signaling. Had my mother not been a professional driver, we'd probably never have made it to the train. Literally. Two morons. They were barely inches in front of us when they came into our lane. Morons.

So. Yeah. There is part one of Who am I. Not sure how it got so off track, but I'll get to more of the self-reflecting part later.

Until next time <3

Friday, December 4, 2009


So I'm starting to get sick of Publisher's Clearance House. I know what you're thinking. "That junk? Why would you subscribe to that crap?"

Well, here is the story: a few years ago, my mom got a notice saying she won a grand from the infamous "Publisher's Clearance House." I immediately told her it was a gimmick and suggested she shred it with the rest of the junk mail. But she didn't believe me. She never does, but this one she was sure was the real deal.

So I told her to do research on it, and she did. She paid for the shipping, or what not, and a few weeks later up showed a check worth $1,000 with her name on it. We couldn't believe it. She actually won!

I still thought she was being had, so I told her to be careful, but she put it in her bank account, and a few days later her name was on the PCH website under $1,000 winners.

Well, amazed by this, I've decided to sign up. Might as well have a 2/100,000,000 chance, right?

Every now and then, aka every other day, I get their spam--but one in particular stands out.

"Dear ______! Great news! Someone with the initials B.S. will win in your area this week!!"

For the record, B. and S. are NOT my initials, but I did pick them for a specific purpose. Because I think they are, again, selling B.S. My mom gets the same letters with her initials, so.... How can the two of us, in the same area, with totally separate initials BOTH win the same prize?

Go figure.

Don't subscribe to PCH unless they pay you too!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Angry enough to scream

I'm somehow managing to maintain a cool exterior, as my student has yet to ask me, "What's wrong?"

When I'm really upset, I'll be asked that question, but not today. I'm smiling and making jokes, like I normally do when I'm in a good mood, but inside I just want to scream. I want to log into Facebook and share my anger and frustration with everyone else, but I'm holding back on that too.

As most of you know, our dear friend passed away last Wednesday. The funeral was Saturday, but I didn't post that entry, and the burial? On hold. ON HOLD!

The story is too outlandish to believe, but here it is:

Our friend's husband, we'll call him Joe, has a lot of property around town. He has a lot of tenants too. Low class, trash, tenants. Joe and his wife always try to see the good in people, and always bend over backwards for people. For his wife's last birthday, Joe bought lobsters for my family, their family, and our neighbor. (Not to mention a massive ice cream cake!) This is probably the 3rd time he's bought us lobsters.

Needless to say, Joe is a Saint. So is his wife. They should both be sanctified for the things they do for others. And now, here he is, with a restraining order against him. A restraining order from one of his tenants. A restraining order that keeps him off his own damn property and burying his wife.

I want to scream.

They went to court yesterday, and it seems they were the last case. "The judge just seemed bored" Joe said, "And she wouldn't stop crying. Then she walked out of the room and laughed at us."

She's lucky I have a reputation to uphold, because if I didn't I'd probably go down there and punch her myself. Oops. Did I say that? But seriously, can you imagine what Joe must be thinking; he just wants to bury his wife.

My mother has a theory about what happened; she thinks that they made the mistake of being tried together. Joe, his son, and her ex-boyfriend. This drama has been going on forever. Some dog fight, then she kidnapped someone's dog. I don't know the whole story, but I don't care to. It doesn't make sense that Joe can't go up to his own property and bury his wife. She should GTFO IMHO.

I just want to scream.

There is no way this should have been allowed to happen, especially when she has already been evicted. EVICTED. She should be gone. She was served papers and everything. They are just waiting on the hearing to give her the boot, so why would you LIVE in a place you feel so threatened in?

I just want to scream.

Get this, the lawyer says, "If you drop the eviction, I'll drop the restraining order."

I just want to scream!

Why would you offer to drop a restraining order if you feel so threatened??

I just want to scream!


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Why is everybody so sick?

My house is currently under quarantine with the dreaded "rhino virus," but no one believes me when I say it's just the common cold.

Fortunately, I've yet to catch it.

Mom and sis were diagnosed yesterday, and when I got home from work, there was a medical mask on the ground by the door. Originally, it had hung from the door knob and had been intended for me to wear. Walking onto the scene, however, I figured I was living with people with some deadly virus. Bubonic plague, or swine flu.

Kidding, of course. I've unfortunately been to the doctor's office quite a bit in the past few months, and I know that even if you suspect you are coming down with something, they will make you wear a mask. Great fun.

Well, my mother had grabbed one for ME to wear around the house--double standard, I think? They get sick, so I have to look like a weirdo? While they go around breathing and infecting the rest of the house? Eh, no thanks. I refused it, and they, ever so generously decided to wear theirs instead.

But, really. Why is everybody getting sick? (Besides the obvious answer of "germs".) Next weekend is my cousin's Christmas party. I'm flying solo if my mom and sister don't get better, and even if I go by myself, some family members have decided to go out and get the pig flu. They were all, "Oh, so and so is coming, let's go get sick so we can conveniently not see her because she banished us from Maine for 5 years...." Long story. Totally false from the word "some" on.

In other news, I'm running out of interesting things to write about.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

So she's gone.

I was going to post something brief when I found out, but I wasn't sure what to say. I guess all there is to say is that it's over. I wish it could be that simple, but the truth is is that it won't be over.

I made it home from work, stopped by the house I was watching, then went "home." I called my mom to see where she was, but she wasn't there yet. Can't quite remember where she was, probably at the hospital. Yes, that's right. She was visiting at the hospital. She asked me if I could go let their dogs out, and I said yes. I made it to their driveway before breaking down completely.

I went in and saw the dogs, and wondered if they knew. Lucy, I'm sure, knew. I'd stopped by the night it happened, and she went up to their bedroom and wouldn't leave it. Goober was unusually playful, chewing on my arm at times.

My mom eventually came in with my sister, and we all cried and hugged. Then my mom went to drive an accompanying neighbor home. My sister and I left a little later, and I eventually went home.

That was Monday night. Tuesday they pulled the plug, and Wednesday morning she passed away.

I only saw her every so often, so I'm sure it hasn't quite hit me yet. Like I've said to everyone, though: every so often it does. It hits me. It hits me when I look through my old pictures, and see how close her and my mom were. I mean, I knew they were close, but when I see the pictures I took of them together, at the fair or shopping for flowers. And then I think of all the times she's been over at her house, or gone out for lunch with her, and I can't even imagine how much time they spend together when I'm at work. It just sucks for her.

It sucks for her husband, too. Who is going to do the dishes, and who is going to cook? Who is going to sweep the floors--not to completely domesticate her, but that was who she was. She was the loving mother and wife, and everytime I'm in that house I think of her. Her cigarettes. White hair and smile. Her laugh, and the things that made me lose patience with her. I wish I had been more patient.

It was hard those first two nights at her house, but it was even harder last night. A friend and I went to check on her Thanksgiving Turkey. The one she'd bought and invited us over for. The dinner we politely declined because we didn't want to wait hand and foot on a select few of her family members; more than that we didn't want to watch HER wait on them. Would that be irony? I don't know.

It was hard enough walking in that first day, finding that oxygen mask in the Thanksgiving basket. Seeing the whole house festively decorated with turkeys, leaves, and pilgrims. But to go upstairs, to that long room where they held their get-togethers--and seeing all the decorations there, all the table cloths, and all the plates. That was hardest of all. I can't imagine her up there, decorating it all herself. So happy and excited for the holiday... It just... yeah, it sucks.

Mom cried a lot today. Sister slept all day. I teared up several times, but my only real, tears streaming down, emotional moment was when I first woke up. The rest of the time I kept my brave-face on.

I don't know what is more depressing, though. The fact that she's gone, or the fact life will go on. The world will keep turning, clocks will keep ticking, and life will go on. That stupid, logical part of my brain tells me that sooner or later we all must die.. I know that, despite the pain I feel, I will keep moving on. One day, I might not even remember this person. I might be browsing some old photographs, 30 years from now, and stumble upon her face. "Who...?" I might ask.. I might remember, I might not. I hope I remember.

They're making the funeral arrangements. Her husband is going to bury her on his land. At first,, I thought it was a tad creepy. Now that I think of it, I'd rather be buried with my family and not surrounded by strangers. Not that it matters, I guess.

They need to find a wig for her, though. They had to shave away a lot of her hair for the tubing that drained her brain... I can't imagine her without her hair. And worse--with some wig that isn't her hair. What if it is the wrong color? What if they can't mask the hole in her head? I just don't know what to expect. This is Maine we're talking about--a place where they think great pizza is... well... I don't know. I'm just scared. I'm scared to see her, and I know that's perfectly normal (or, at least, I hope it is perfectly normal) but yet.. I don't know.

My grandmother died from an aneurysm. Years ago. I didn't see her, but they told me it was bad. real bad. For years, I had some false assumption that if I had chosen to go and see her, I could have said "goodbye." That's the mind of a child, for you; incapable of conceiving just what "real bad" meant. Real bad is a shaved head with tubes everywhere. Real bad is eyes shut with tongue hanging out, as my mother visually depicted out of raw emotion. Real bad is something I couldn't bring myself to see. I had the choice to see her, but couldn't do it.

When I saw my grandmother, at her funeral, I had this one reoccurring nightmare that she'd wake up and we'd hang out together. But she wasn't right, she had these large, swirly blue-purple pinwheel eyes. That's all I remember.

I'm afraid of that too. Of what memories it will drudge up, and what I'll wake up seeing in the middle of the night. I guess that's selfish. Selfish like Thanksgiving.

I told myself, "On this Thanksgiving, I will be thankful for knowing an angel" and that was how I tried to live the day. I think that's just a lame excuse to eat turkey and pretend nothing really changed, but I don't know. I just don't know.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

As of today

They've taken her off life support. Nothing has changed. I'm not sure there is much else to say.

A part of me does feel better; like she's fighting. Maybe I should start fighting too. I just can't believe this is Thanksgiving.

2 Cups Cocoa; 2 Cups Tea. Maybe 3 or so Chocolate Milk

Fasting is a type of prayer. Maybe That's why I'm not eating. I just know if I have a slice of pizza or eat my cereal and something happens, I'm going to feel cursed forever. I don't dare change my sudden liquid diet.

Last I heard was that there was no change, but that wasn't the last text I got from my mother. "Let me know when you're leaving work." She said. What does it mean? I can't bring myself to ask. I can't drive home in tears, and I certainly can't go get my sister. But both are things I must do, so I sit and wonder if anything has, in fact, changed.
I'm on my second cup of tea; burned my taste buds, and poured in too much powdered creamer.

I haven't told anyone, but they've noticed. One of the kids even told the science teacher not to pick on me today. A friend offered to cover my last two blocks, but then what would I do? Go home and sit? I can't.

I should have thought about getting my sister sooner; then maybe I would have left. But it's too late now, I'll just wait out the rest of the day--all of the 23 minutes before vacation.

What are we supposed to do? How can we celebrate Thanksgiving? How will all this end? Here come the tears again, better stop. Must hold it together, regardless of the impending doom I feel.

I'm not sure if blogging has helped or not. In a way it's like talking out my problems, and in a way it's like showcasing them. Staring right at them doesn't make them go away.

This sucks.

Haven't Eaten All Day; Perhaps I'm Superstitous... Just Maybe

I haven't eaten all day. I'm not really hungry, and I don't quite feel like forcing myself to eat. It feels selfish.

I have taken in nourishment; Started with a big glass of half and half chocolate milk---half milk, half chocolate soy. (I don't drink coffee creamer.) Like I said, I started with that this morning, when I couldn't force myself to eat the Reeses Puffs I bought at the store the other day. I brought a container to work, thinking I'd be hungry, and I brought a container of milk. I brought a DanActive yogurt too. I drank the milk, I drank the yogurt, and I've since had two cups of cocoa, in addition to a chocolate milk I stored in the fridge last week. I guess I'm just afraid to eat.

She is still alive, whatever that means and as far as I know. Although, I was pretty sure my mother was lying to me this morning when she said she hadn't heard anything. I was sure it was over, and she just didn't want to tell me until after I'd gotten home. The same way she tried protecting my sister last night by not telling her.

What? What on earth happened? For those of you who don't know (the slim, zero to none of you readers I am not related to) a good friend of the family's (and quite possibly someone who is closer to us than 88.8% of the family we do have) was found on the kitchen floor of her home yesterday morning. Aneurysm. They rushed her to 3 hospitals during the day and were prepping her for a surgery last night. The surgery, as I last heard, was not preformed. There was too much swelling in her brain to try it.

Like I said, I thought it was over. And maybe I was just being hopeful. The damage, on a scale of 1-5 was a 4. As far as the surgery, the doctors said if she were to survive it she'd need to spend the rest of her life in a nursing home. They said "normal brains" function at a level 14, and she'd be a 3.

I know her son flew out from California, and he should have been there by 9AM. My mom left to visit her around 10. I don't know what to do. I still don't know what to think. I just know that this Thanksgiving will never be the same, and it's impossible for me to smile and wish anybody a happy vacation. What do I say when they ask me what I'm doing? I've been keeping my head down low and avoiding eye-contact. I've been trying not to cry. I've been trying not to think. I'm surprised I've held it together this long.

It's noon. Two hours to go. I can't wait to get out of here, and yet I can wait to leave. I know I'm just going back to the house to sit alone. Do I eat? Do I change my socks? Do I pray for the best? What is the best? I'm trying not to be superstitious, and I'm trying to convince myself not to give up, but I can't let go to my logic and set myself up for disappointment. I can't smile and say, "it's ok," and I can't let myself think things will get better. I want to, so badly, but I know that if I start thinking that I'll fall flat on my face.

So it's just a waiting game, now. To see what happens. How things play out.

I have a facemask and rubber glove in my car. The paramedics left it behind. In the Thanksgiving basket she got from the church. The sight of it makes me tear up. I took it to hide from her husband; I couldn't throw it out, though, either. I know it's stupid to be so superstitious, but I don't know what else to be.

I'll continue drinking chocolate milk and figuring out what I'm supposed to be feeling.

Distraction is Key

So I've been reading up on my cousin's blog and I hope he doesn't mind me exposing his secret relatedness to me, or that I linked him to my insanity, but I don't think he will. If he does mind... oops. Too late.

I mention him because, as I've said, I've been distracting myself by reading his blog. It makes me laugh to think of my little niece telling everyone "It doesn't work" when she fails to produce poo on her potty.

I need to think about happier things, today. And since I've been meaning to write down my happy moments in life (since last December when I went to NYC with my dad) I think now it the appropriate time get those memories out there.

This past summer, Homemakerman, Tumbleweed, their daughter Peanut, and I were walking up a back road to loop around to my house; as I suspected, and had been hoping, I found a baby toad no larger than a cocoa puff. Smaller in fact, nearly as slim as a cornflake, no taller than two or three stacked.

"Look at the baby frog, Peanut." I said, lying and saying it was a frog because I wasn't sure if she'd understand the technical difference between frog and toad. "Look how small, Peanut." I said, as I've always been amazed by the size of them. Ever since I was a little girl, and my dad would take me to that exact spot on his moped.

"Look, Peanut, he is so small he is smaller than that bug!" I exclaimed so perplexed. I pointed to a long, greenish bug that just so happened to be on the ground beside us. No sooner than I had pointed out that bug did my niece stare, pause, and squash. She lifted her foot, and her tiny, colorful sandal landed square on it. She squished it around a few times, making sure it was good and dead as her parents and I looked at each other in disbelief. Then we burst into laughter. "I don't know where she learned that one!" One of her parents laughed. I think they may have been embarrassed because they respect nature and want to raise their children to do the same. Still, it was funny as hell.
More recently, we went down to visit them on Mango Street. This was one of the first weeks of October, I believe. Mom and I had gone to the Fryeburg Fair on Friday, and Saturday we went down bearing Maple syrup cotton candy and other such goodies we had acquired. We sat on their black sofa, ate pizza, and busted out the cotton candy which caught Pumpkinman's attention. When no one was looking he latched onto the bag for dear life, and cried bloody murder when we took it away from him. Worst parents ever, those two--depriving their under-aged son of such a sweet (no pun intended) energy-increasing, cavity inducing treat.

Well Pumpkinman was quite upset until he stuck his fingers in the sofa and found a minuscule crumb of pizza, sauce and all. He was estatic, and when we figured out what he had uncovered, we laughed. The little darling stared at his Daddy, and if looks could kill (or steal pizza...) well, you get the picture.

What a great moment for poor baby pumpkinman.


Well, first, I must explain the embarrassing context which preceded this exclamation.

See, as you already know, Homemakerman and Tumbleweed visited us this summer, and what you don't know is that we spent most of our nights up all hours of the night playing board games. Well, I have wanted to play Pictionary since I bought it years ago, but it has since vanished. I've searched for it where it sat for a year (in my closet) then I briefly browsed the basement, where it was moved to after I got sick of looking for it.

Obviously, when I heard my sister say, "Pictionary is in mom's room." I was excited. Beyond excited, really, and I jumped up to go get it--completely missing my cousin's subtly mortified expressions. See, the game in my mother's room was Scategories, and not, in fact, pictionary. This fact I loudly shared with the whole household upon discovering it.


"Happy Birthday," They said to my sister, and it all made sense. Oops. Yes, I had blown my sister's birthday present and ruined their surprise..

With that detail out of the way, let's turn to the game:

The letter was A and the category was: something you'd exclaim.

Naturally, my mother wrote: Ape.

"Ape?" Homemakerman had asked,

My mom nonchalantly replied, "Yes, Ape. Like Oh my God There's an Ape over there!!"

She will never live that one down.


What else? What else? How about the Fashion Show tent I bought for Peanut. I know there was a hilarious moment with that, but it has since slipped my mind. She went in and out and in and out of that tent about a million times. She crawled, seamlessly, through the cat tunnel too. Homemakerman... not so much.

Oh the memories.

More to come, when I think of them.

Not as Guilty as I Feel

Right now, my life is on pause.

I'm suspended in mid-air, after just being off a cliff.

I know that at any minute the phone could ring, and that would be the end of that pause. I would either fall down, hard, into a land of miserable agony, or miraculously be spared. That is a horrible analogy, though. Really, if I were to be spared, I'd only be carted off into foreign territory of brain damage and despair. What am I to hope for? They tell us things will never go back to the way they were; do I cling to hope they are wrong? Faith in God and in miracles? The belief she had a good life? The humanity of not wanting to see her hooked up to a ventilator?

I don't know. I just wish I knew what to think. What to say. How to feel.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Merry Freakin Christmas

I've decided that I am going to say Merry Freaking Christmas this year, and I've come to this decision after picking up some a Christmas present for my mother's bird. In fact, I might go as far as saying, "Merry Freaking Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Bah-humbug!" Does that cover everything?

Here is what happened: I was standing in line checking out when the lady told me that part of my purchase was free due to frequent buyer points. Couldn't have come at a better time, with Christmas coming. Plus with all the bills, my paycheck was just about gone, and I wasn't getting another for a week. The two clerks were chatting about what a rough time of year it was, and I chimed in, "Oh yeah, especially with Christmas shopping."

Well, the second clerk shook her head behind mine, and said, "Oh no, don't say that!"

"Say what?" I asked, noticing the expression on my clerks face.

"Don't say Christmas," The second clerk responded. Again, my clerk's face remained stoic.

"Oh....." I said, and the rest of my time was incredibly awkward. What was I to do? Should I wish them a Happy Thanksgiving? Do I ask if she is Jewish and wish her a Happy Hanukkah? Or Kwanzaa? Do I apologize?

As she helped me to the car, I wanted to apologize, but I didn't want to offend her. And then, when she went back into the store, I said, "Wait a minute. I don't mind respecting other people's beliefs, but they should respect mine too! I shouldn't have to censor myself."

That woman should have simply said, "Sorry, I don't believe in Christmas, I'm Jewish." And I would have apologized and wished her a Happy Hanukkah. That would have been the end of it, but instead I spend the next 3 days feeling offensive and offended at the same time. Not fair!

I'm honestly the same way with all cultures; I don't want to say the wrong thing because I'm afraid to be considered "mean" or "rude." I remember when I was in Elementary school, I was told never to call a black person black. "Call them African American." My teachers would say, "That's the polite thing to do."

Well, it's wrong, and it peeves me when I hear it. What about the people from the Dominican. What about Hati? Doesn't categorizing people with dark skin as "African American" steal from their heritage?

I need to give up on being so politically correct. I'm tired of desperately searching for the right words to say. I'm sick of the inner turmoil: Merry Freaking Christmas!!!!

Sunday, November 8, 2009


So out of pure boredom and interest, I logged onto my dating page. To my surprise (and that's pure sarcasm there, so you know) I had no new messages. Yes, I have successfully scared away 10/10 potential interests with my blunt sarcasm and knack for pointing out the obvious. Why men have such delicate egos, I'll never know, but like I tell my mother: if I can't have a conversation with them online, why would I want to meet them??

Take this winner, for example. I dubbed him "Weirdo."

From: Weirdo
Subject: I'm one of your favorites?


No joke; that was his message to me.

Minus the subject line, his entire message was simply a question mark.

Well, so you know the background, I had spent about 10 minutes browsing through the new users (you know, the ones I hadn't scared away yet...) When I find a guy that I 'really' like, I'll shoot him a quick message, but when I find a guy that sounds interesting enough (and looks just about "kissable") I will add him to my "favorites." That, in my opinion is the equivalent to smiling at someone in public. It says, "I'm sort of interested, but not enough to send you a message" and if they like you back, they can initiate the conversation. If not, I could care less because I don't quite like you that much to begin with.

Unfortunately, it has become apparent that adding men to a favorites list goes straight to their heads. This isn't the first time that simple click has had this effect on men. It is, however, the funniest.

Anyway, my reply was as simple as his mind: "Please note "Note #4""

Note #4 on my profile basically states: "Just because I added you to my favorites doesn't mean you are God's gift to women and that I'm madly in love with you."

His response?

"I already did note #4. I read your profile. But you didn't answer my question. If you don't want to talk to me, why are you adding me to your favorites?"

(Barely 3 minutes later)


So here is the message I sent him. Is it sad that I enjoy this?

Yes, I am such a weirdo for going to bed after the busy day I had--especially when I was feeling sick all day to begin with. Shame on me.

I am also so very sorry for having offended you by not answering your question--what was that again? Hmm, let me backtrack through your messages to make sure I didn't miss this "question" of yours.

"I'm one of your favorites?"

Oh, right. The subject line. Followed by a question mark. What a great conversation starter! How, ever, could I have ignored that lame attempt for an ego boost. I think that “question” probably went ignored because I thought it was a rhetorical question (given, of course, the obvious fact that I had already added you to my favorites list. Wouldn't an answer have been redundant?)

Silly, Silly me. Not realizing you were being serious. Here is my long awaited reply, if you are still interested…

"Yes, whatever your name is. I 'thought' you were a potentially interesting person. So, the sky is blue?"

Very sorry for misleading your ego; but I do thank you for proving just what a completely impatient and unstable individual you are. I love how my lack of response made you jump to call me names and assume I'm a “weirdo.”

Good luck in your quest of finding a woman who will jump to answer your dumb-ass questions. Oh yeah, and enjoy being blocked.

Insanely yours,

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


So I may have made my peace with the infamous, notorious, Time Warner Cable. It seems too good to be true, which is why I'm having a hard time believing it.

My friends came up last weekend, and it was great. Great to see them, and sarcastically great because of the weather. It was hideous on Saturday, raining "cats and dogs" as the pictionary game we played would say (assuming, of course, a pictionary game could talk).

Well, regardless of the irony that board game brought us, it was raining cats and dogs, and that day we happened to have BIS-- Bad Internet Syndrome. I just made that up, but it is entirely appropriate. It would stop, then start but be really slow, then stop for a while and start up again. Then it went down for an hour. Then it was up again.

So, even though I was enjoying my time with my friends, I still had the urge to call and complain to TWC, which I did. The lady I talked to tried telling me it had been working perfectly. Same old song and dance, but I wasn't buying it. (I'm already paying enough for their shitty service, I don't need a side of bullcrap too.)

"No, it's not working, because I can't use it. ( YOU IDIOT. QUICK QUESTION: WHO LIVES HERE, ME OR YOU??) I know that you *see* it is working fine, but that is wrong. That is what the last guy said, but he was wrong, and the guy he sent out here confirmed that was wrong. He looked into the modem history and saw there were complications and errors. SO DON'T YOU DARE FREAKING TELL ME EVERYTHING IS ALL HUNKY DORY!"

My tone was pissed, but I refrained from hollering and using derogatory terms. I also didn't say the words capitalized above, but I sure thought them. I couldn't believe the nerve of this woman telling me I was wrong. "I unplugged from the wireless router, and was plugged directly into the modem." I said, "it's still not working.."

She didn't believe me, but she still asked, "Should I send out a technician?"

"Uh, well you've already sent out 3, and none of them could fix it. Everytime they come it's working fine, so what do you want to do?" I asked, seeing the 4th guy as a pointless waste of time.

"Well we'll send a guy out."

"Ok, when?"

"They will call with an appointment time,"


"How's Tuesday? Would you rather have AM or PM?"

"Uh...?" Didn't she just say she the tech would schedule the appointment? Seriously? Do you have a brain? At all? Didn't think so.

So Tuesday came, and so did the technician. Jon. (and just as I used Level III Technician Ron's real name to shame him, I am using Jon's real name to thank him--and give him credit for proving my sanity)

It was actually quite funny, because on the way home, there were two TWC van's clogging the road. One was on one side of the road, up in the wire's at the Ranger's house; the other was on the other side of the road, talking to the driver. Ironically, I was stuck behind the guy who was going to my house, so at least if I was late I could blame him. Right?

Well he quickly put his car in gear and drove down the main road, pausing a bit when he came to my road. I boldly signaled to turn right by waving my arms in that direction, but I don't know if he saw me. He turned right, and drove right past my house. I pulled in and waited for him to figure that out, but he took so long so I went in the house and put the dog on a leash instead. (It's easier to control the jumping he does that way)

When the guy came in, he was very concerned about the issue, "So can you tell me what's going on here?"

I was like, "Well, you are the fourth guy to come out, I really don't know why they sent you; no one else can figure it out, but the problem is the internet will shut off. And I know that it's the internet because I've plugged directly into the modem and it still doesn't work. and blah blah blah"

So he questioned me to make sure I knew what I was talking about, then went downstairs to check the input. Took him about 5-10 minutes just to figure out where the cable was coming from---and he didn't like the setup one bit. "You have (or are losing) 14 dbs," He said before clarifying--because I had no idea what he was talking about, "You should have 3..."

"Oh? That doesn't sound good." I said, as he proceeded to test the cables and stuff like that. He said that the input was going into a 2 way splitter, that was going into a 3 way splitter, or something crazy like that; I should have paid attention, but I was honestly so sick of anything with the word "cable" in it I didn't care to listen. Instead I just hung out down there and waited to see if he could find anything; I hope he didn't think I didn't trust him, or anything. I just wanted to know if there was a problem.

So after that he went upstairs. I can't remember if he found something there, but my mom says he did. Then he went outside and found out the levels being sent into the house were way too high (which was why the basic cable channels were coming in so fuzzy--I told him, I thought it was just because we had a large TV and it distorted the quality)

He fixed that, and said that there was an additional problem he would send the guys out to fix. So what now, Level III Technician Ron? Who is crazy now?

Jon was so nice he gave us his card, and his supervisor's number too! Then told us not to deal with TWC anymore. He couldn't believe they'd set us up like that, and though he was professional about my complaining, I think he had sympathy for my situation. He was all, "Yeah, I don't see why you wouldn't be upset you just want your internet." After all the aggravation and stress, I would have given him a hug if it wouldn't have been that weird.

Well, with that all said, I think I may finally have faith in my cable company. I may finally like them----even if they won't give me my Motorola DVR, and even if my setup is from the 1990's, and even if I can only title search for TV shows by using the first letter, and even if every time I search for House I want to throw the remote through the TV because I have to scroll through 80 listings of home Makeover----I can now scream, not in anger but in joy, THANK YOU SO MUCH JON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Damn it, Julia! Where did you go?

I want to smash my head off a desk. Really, I do.

You see, for 3 maybe 4 years now, I've been trying to track down an old friend of mine. Not the most traditional of friends--we met on the internet either before or right after Y2K. Where did we meet? I'm not sure. Perhaps the old X-Files forum. Maybe it was just through another friend. I honestly can't remember much, other than her screen name.

Normally, a screen name can tell you so much about a person. Sounds crazy, but it's true. That's usually how I check up on people--Yes, I'm a spy. I don't just willingly trust myself, or my personal information to just anyone. Before I befriend someone, or add them to Facebook, I do my own little background checks to make sure they aren't insane. See, most people use the same screen name wherever they go, so a quick google check will show you an amazing amount of information. Their hobbies, their photos, their everything. Take one of my screen names, for example-- When I google it, I find my photobucket account, numerous posts looking for support on technical websites, and even some things I forgot I had posted (oops).

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is people leave trails on the internet wherever they go--which is why I've adopted several usernames throughout the years. Julia, my dear lost friend, has none. I cannot find her. I've searched and I've searched forever. For years. She's gone.

Litchfieldduck8 and LibraDMK. All gone. It's driving me insane. I just want to find her. Julia S., from Michigan. Maybe she was from Anelldale, or Ann Arbor. In all my searches, those two towns stick out in my mind for some reason. That doesn't matter, though. She may have moved. She may have married. She could have died, for all I know. But the fact that I don't know is as annoying to me as a cracked fingernail when you don't have clippers or a file. I want to get to the bottom of it and know where she is, but I just don't have the tools. I can't remember enough about her to find her.

I've spammed facebook to the point where they have disabled my ability to send messages. I've googled till I've been blue in the face. I just can't find her--and why? Why do I want to find her? Out of sheer principal. I love my friends, and I never want "not" be able to contact them. I still have contact with everyone from my back-in-the-day "crew." Anya, Catherine, Racheal, Gabby, Kristina (sort of), even people I didn't know that well, I still have on my buddy list. But not Julia.

What inspired this insane obsession of mine? "Who let the Dog(get) In?" A short story she wrote for me years ago. I found it, randomly searching through old internet pages. I smiled for weeks after reading it--but almost cried when I couldn't find her online. The more I looked, the more memories began flooding back in my head. We were supposed to go to college together, back when I didn't have a plan, or any idea of what I wanted to do. I was supposed to go to Michigan, but it fizzled out.

As of today, I know her name; first and potentially last. I know where she once lived, and I may have her amazon account. One day, I swear, I will thank her for that story; She will laugh when she reads it, just like I did a few years ago. Just like I do every time I think of her.

I will find you, Julia Schnell(?) Unless you find me first.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Nice Girls Finish Last (Ode to Jared Padalecki)

Thank you, Jared, for another night of happiness!!

Ah, yes, what else would I have to look forward to on Thursday nights, if not for your leading role on CW's Supernatural. Not my friends, and certainly not my sister. I'm sure she'd forget I'd even exist if I didn't text her every so often with some lame joke or picture. Apparently I can't even look forward to prospective boyfriends.

In fact, no sooner than I almost finish my blog entry about how excited I am that I may have finally met a guy worth dating, do I find out what a complete two-faced liar he is. Granted, a good portion of said blog was dedicated to my own insecurities--mainly the fact that I don't trust anyone with my heart--but that's apparently for good reason. I know this kid's first name, and the school he goes to, so I facebook-up some detective work. Yep, that's him--I recognize the picture from his dating page--he is sort of cute. What's this? He's in a relationship? Oh...

What do you say to someone after that? I can't pretend I didn't see it, and I can't ignore it. Should I call him on it, or just block him. Like my mother says, what if it's over? But why make excuses for a no-good cheat. Once a cheat, always a cheat, or so the saying goes. I just can't believe I finally go to let my guard down, and this is what I get. That's what you get for trying online dating. Like I said, all the good guys are dating, married, or gay. Or dead.

Now I'm torn. Do I message this girl and tell her? I don't want the target on my back, though. Plus, a girl is a girl; she'll probably love him, regardless, like some stupid fool until he moves on to someone who doesn't think to check facebook. Plus if he knows I checked his facebook, he'll just heighten his privacy settings to get away with cheating in the future. I thought about messaging one of the girls friends, or her sisters, but that would just put the problem between them. I don't want to be responsible for ruining relationships, but can I let him get away with cheating? I don't know what to do. The situation just all-around sucks. And the irony of it all? I sort of think it's romantic when guys fight over a girl, or when Prince Charming swoops in to save the woman he loves from Mr. Wrong. Roles reversed, however, the "other woman" is the homewrecking tramp or "skank."What sort of double-standard is that??

Whatever. I'm not going to be the "other woman" this girl potentially could be dumped for. And I refuse to "fight" for anyone pathetic enough to love someone--while keeping his options open.

So, like I was saying, I'm heading back to my imaginary boyfriend--Yeah. His name is Sam Winchester. Sure he has millions of fan-girls drooling over him, but at least he will never let any of them down. He will never cheat on them, or lie to them--because he is not real. Good to look at, yes. Smart and funny, yes. A heart-break waiting to happen, no so much. He'll be there every Thursday, fighting the all the big bad's the Supernatural world has to offer.

A girl can dream, can't she?


I wish I could focus on reading.

Right now, I have two books in front of me. One is an autographed novel one of my college professors wrote years ago; The other is a non-fiction time-line of the Middle East. Both I have a sincere interest in reading, but both I cannot read.

Currently, my student is working independently on journal entries. It's a perfect time to read, so I turn to the massive book shelf behind me, and I pick out the a book on African American history. It's huge, and I know that even though I want to read it, I never will. So I look to the left of it and find that Middle East book. I think back to my Social Studies Method class, and how we were taught so much about the REAL Middle East. Not the fabricated propaganda Middle East, but the real, factual, Middle East.

Well, at the very beginning of that semester my house burned to the ground--so needless to say, learning about the Sunnis and Shiias was not my top priority. I made it through the class with decent and earned grades, but most of the lecture time I spent worrying about my family, thinking about the future, and wondering what would happen next.

I focused and as hard as I possibly could to avoid "sympathy grading," but I still missed a lot of good, unbiased information that I may never again have the chance to receive--unless I can focus on this dumb book.

I sit to read it,
1820 Britain concludes a General Treaty of Peace for suppressing piracy and slave... traffic....
Wait, what?
1820 Britain concludes a General Treaty of Peace...

Peace treaty. Ok. They were at war. What war? World War? No that was 1900's wasn't it? The Middle East wasn't part of that war anyway... Was it? Maybe it was World War II.... No that's even later in history... Oh well, it doesn't really matter. No, wait. It matters if I want to understand this stuff; I need to know when it happened in order to keep my history in order--I need to know why they were fighting too. Whatever. Just keep reading.

1820 Britain concludes a General Treaty of Peace for suppressing piracy and slave traffic witht he Arab tribes of the Persian Gulf. The signa...
Huh? Siga--sig...Siga-natory? Signatory? What does that mean? Oh wait. Student has a question for me.. How do you spell hault... H-a-u-l-t. Siginatory. .. .. Hault isn't right? Hault... h.a.u.l.t... uh.. Google it. Wait, my computer is rebooting from an install... Ok... Booting up. Oh, hey, the new IM client I installed works. Ew that icon is gross--didn't I change that? I thought I put my cat on there? Halt? Wait, what? There is no "U"? Seriously? That's disgusting. That's as bad as KERNEL being spelled colonel. Where the hell did that come from? Did the dictionary writer have a brain fart. KERNEL. /K/ER/NL/ not /K/OL/NL/ ...I don't think I spelled that "phonetically correct" Dr. Marshall would definitely give me a talkin' to. I hated that class. Note to self: don't learn spelling from a southerner; stick with accents of your own kind if you want to pass the reading methods class.

Ok, Definitely off track. What was I doing? Reading, right. Why can't I read? I know, let's google reading problems. Oh, this site looks promising. Ew, green. Who puts a green background on a webpage, really?

Oops, teacher meeting; time to move. Gotta get situated. Why do I bother even attempting to read? I don't know. I should write. Maybe I should bring a book with me to the next room. Naw, I won't read it. I know! I'll bring Dr. Lemke's book. But I don't really feel like reading. Maybe I'll listen to my iPod and write. "Say goodbye, these days are gone. And we can't keep holding on... lalala" I forgot the rest of the song, but that was very random. I love that song. I should look up the lyrics when I get to the next classroom.

Yeah, no reading today.