Today was a rough day at work, but I won't complain about that here. I'll just say, TGIF!!!!
I've added a few new things to my resume, but it gave me pause. I've decided I'm nervous. With the circumstances of my current position, I feel confident in my abilities has increased. And decreased. Both, at the same time.
I feel I'm better in a crisis, but worse in the classroom. It's way easier when someone is there, behind you, patting your back. Today, I totally flopped a math lesson, and I say as I have said a hundred times before--I will never teach math.
They told me this would happen--that nothing is perfect, and that nothing goes according to plan. I'm good with that. Really, the anal perfectionist that I am can accept lower standards, but a complete flop is unacceptable to me. I had the lesson planned out, and I improvised as I taught. But I cannot do math.
For some reason, the second I got up in front of the class I got nervous--maybe it was all the new faces. Maybe it was that it was the hottest room in the school and I was wearing a thick sweatshirt and two pairs of paints--no wait. That's the reason for my face turning bright red and sweat pouring down my back. So what the heck went wrong?
Math is wrong. I know how to do it. I did it twice in preparation. And yet, the second I'm in front of the room, staring at a problem my brain goes blank. I forget. I look at the paper. I get nervous. I sweat. I joke and laugh, but I suck at math.
I'm trying hard not to take it too hard. I know some lessons work, and some flop. I think the fact I'm facing my fears, standing in front of teenagers, with math on (or somewhat on) my brain, trying to help people who really don't give a shit give a shit. Not to mention I have no obligation to do so! And I'm not frustrated with them, I'm frustrated with me. Why can't I articulate, and why can't I just plain think?
I'm starting to worry about the future, now. What if I can't do this? What if all I do is freeze? What if I have as much trouble planning lessons as I do thinking up math lessons? I've been trying for weeks to develop my own little curriculum. . . But all I've got is one assignment. That's it. Just one.
I'm going to stop beating myself up tonight. I'm going to enjoy my Friday night (and this last episode of Criminal Minds). I might do some writing, or . .. clean my room. Yikes. Don't want to think of that either.