I haven't eaten all day. I'm not really hungry, and I don't quite feel like forcing myself to eat. It feels selfish.
I have taken in nourishment; Started with a big glass of half and half chocolate milk---half milk, half chocolate soy. (I don't drink coffee creamer.) Like I said, I started with that this morning, when I couldn't force myself to eat the Reeses Puffs I bought at the store the other day. I brought a container to work, thinking I'd be hungry, and I brought a container of milk. I brought a DanActive yogurt too. I drank the milk, I drank the yogurt, and I've since had two cups of cocoa, in addition to a chocolate milk I stored in the fridge last week. I guess I'm just afraid to eat.
She is still alive, whatever that means and as far as I know. Although, I was pretty sure my mother was lying to me this morning when she said she hadn't heard anything. I was sure it was over, and she just didn't want to tell me until after I'd gotten home. The same way she tried protecting my sister last night by not telling her.
What? What on earth happened? For those of you who don't know (the slim, zero to none of you readers I am not related to) a good friend of the family's (and quite possibly someone who is closer to us than 88.8% of the family we do have) was found on the kitchen floor of her home yesterday morning. Aneurysm. They rushed her to 3 hospitals during the day and were prepping her for a surgery last night. The surgery, as I last heard, was not preformed. There was too much swelling in her brain to try it.
Like I said, I thought it was over. And maybe I was just being hopeful. The damage, on a scale of 1-5 was a 4. As far as the surgery, the doctors said if she were to survive it she'd need to spend the rest of her life in a nursing home. They said "normal brains" function at a level 14, and she'd be a 3.
I know her son flew out from California, and he should have been there by 9AM. My mom left to visit her around 10. I don't know what to do. I still don't know what to think. I just know that this Thanksgiving will never be the same, and it's impossible for me to smile and wish anybody a happy vacation. What do I say when they ask me what I'm doing? I've been keeping my head down low and avoiding eye-contact. I've been trying not to cry. I've been trying not to think. I'm surprised I've held it together this long.
It's noon. Two hours to go. I can't wait to get out of here, and yet I can wait to leave. I know I'm just going back to the house to sit alone. Do I eat? Do I change my socks? Do I pray for the best? What is the best? I'm trying not to be superstitious, and I'm trying to convince myself not to give up, but I can't let go to my logic and set myself up for disappointment. I can't smile and say, "it's ok," and I can't let myself think things will get better. I want to, so badly, but I know that if I start thinking that I'll fall flat on my face.
So it's just a waiting game, now. To see what happens. How things play out.
I have a facemask and rubber glove in my car. The paramedics left it behind. In the Thanksgiving basket she got from the church. The sight of it makes me tear up. I took it to hide from her husband; I couldn't throw it out, though, either. I know it's stupid to be so superstitious, but I don't know what else to be.
I'll continue drinking chocolate milk and figuring out what I'm supposed to be feeling.