Friday, September 25, 2009

Thank you, Jim; Ron, you're a ******** and you *****

Feel free to fill in the above words however-so you choose, but this post is my rough draft to the complaint letter I'm writing to Time Warner Cable.

Yes, yes. Again I am waging war with the infamous company, because, yet again, they have managed to get under my skin. I'll fill you in on the details, in a little bit, but first here is the spark that ignited my freshly renewed loathing of their existence.

Home, after a long day's work, I sit down to enjoy the internet. Like many people, I'm usually on it off and on all night at random intervals, but around 7PM, just as I'm uploading some new photos to facebook, facebook disappears and all I see is that lovely "The connection has been dropped" page that tells me my internet connection is gone.

Now, maybe this is not such a big deal for most people--whatever. They will try back later, and everything will be ok, right? Well, that's not the case for me, because this is the exact same problem Time Warner cable had "allegedly" not seen when they had been out to check the day prior. This day was Thursday, and the (apparently very nice, and according to my mother possibly hunky) cable guy who had been out to our house on Wednesday had said the internet modem seemed to be functioning properly and giving good speeds.

Now, perhaps I was a little hot-headed after being deprived of my internet for another 3 hours (on top of the shitty service I'd had for the past 2 weeks) and maybe I was ready for bed, but I would have to say that I was pretty calm when I called them, the first time, at 10PM. I talked to a fairly understanding woman who told me she would transfer me to a "level three" technician.

Surely this "intelligent" third level technician guy can solve my problems and figure out what is wrong, but come to find out, his skill level was equal to his ego, and they both sucked. I explained to him that I had just recently gotten the internet back, but it had been out for about three ours (less a 10 minute spurt around 8 o'clock). He said, "No problem, Lane, let me pull up your modem."

For the record, I'd introduced myself as Lane's daughter, but he refused to hear me, or anything I had to say for that matter. A few seconds into the conversation, I realized he wouldn't be helping me at all.

"You said you didn't have internet for three hours? That's interesting, because it says your modem has been functioning at full speed for 5 days now."

Had I bothered to do the math, I would have realized he was full of shit. I had just talked to tech support last Sunday, and the guy I spoke with had told me that my house connection was giving no signal--this being what had prompted the house visit on Wednesday.

Let us do the math here: From Sunday night to Thursday is a grand total of 4 days at most, so how is it possible that it's worked wonderfully for 5 days when, again, just 4 days ago they told me it wasn't working? I wish Level 3 technician Ron could have explained that one to me, but when I tried to relay this fact to "Level Three Technician Ron" he decided to let me know that knew more about my internet situation than I did.

"I need you to go to the modem, that black box that the internet goes through, and look at the lights."

Thank you, I'm totally 5 years old and need to look for colors and lights to know what you're talking about.

"I worked in a computer department for 3 years, I know what a modem is, and PS my name is not Lane, for the 800th time! My name is not LANE! (remember I introduced myself as ___) I KNOW the problem is with the modem, because I've changed wireless routers 2x!! Therefore it is not my wireless router. I've done your basic troubleshooting!! It doesn't work!! I've even gone as far as plugging my computer directly into the modem, and it DOES NOT WORK!!!"I tell him, agitated, but still as politely as I can.

Could he not hear the words that were coming out of my mouth? Naw, he is "Level Three Technician Ron" who knows everything. I'm just a stupid girl who can't possibly have a problem other than her stupidity.

"Ok Lane, you need to look at the modem and look for the light that says connected"

"Don't have that one, Ron. I have online. Gee Wizz!! Pardon my ignorance, but could connected be the same thing as online?"

"Good. The online light. If that is constant, then you have internet."

"Uhm, no?"

"Yes. That means that you are online."

"Then why doesn't it work?"

"Perhaps it is your firewall. You probably have antivirus software messing with it. What OS do you use?"


"Ah, yes, Vista has lots of firewall problems. What antivirus are you running?"

"I don't use antivirus. I am very careful about what files I download and what websites I visit."

"Oh, well it's probably your antivirus."

"I don't use antivirus, remember?"

"Well the problem is with your firewall.."

To myself, I think. I've been using the same internet, the same firewall, the same computer for what? 3 years now? Yes, the problem is suddenly with me, and couldn't quite possibly be Time Warner Cable's fault. While tempted to tell him I have a work computer, a Mac, that is running a MAC os without Vista or antivirus, I'm not entirely sure it is true, so I bite my tongue.

"See, you need to look at this light, because if you have a light you have internet. You are dumb and couldn't quite possibly be having a problem, so now I'll just pretend to believe you and 'document' your complaint for future reference. Good night, stupid girl! Good night you crazy person who is going to realize how wrong she is, because I said so. Good night Lane."

Have a great night, you egotistical moron!

I hang up, go upstairs to see my--the real Lane--booting up the laptop. She waits for it to load and laughs when she realizes the internet isn't working. I go downstairs to check this "green light"which allegedly provides us internet. Can't say I was surprised when it was, as I assumed, solid green. So what did I do?

I disabled my firewall. Still no internet. I checked to make sure the PC didn't have anti-virus software--it did not. Still no internet. I bypassed the wireless router and plugged directly into my green-light-lit modem. Still no internet. I called up time Warner cable and spoke with Jim, who when I apologized for being so bitchy, laughed and said he understood. Told me my box was not functioning properly, and that he'd call tomorrow with an appointment time.

Redemption feels so good. Oh yeah, and thanks for nothing, Level three technician Ron. You *****

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